I wouldnt be the one...

Today I hugged Mr M and said thank you.. Without him there would be no Munchkin, no cupcake. I would not be their mother.

I wouldnt be the one who they want in the middle of the night. 

I wouldnt be the one who could light up their faces with smiles by just entering the room

I wouldnt be the one who cupcake follows around the room with her eyes.

I wouldnt be the one who answered to MaMa.

I wouldnt be the one who got to complain about them.

I wouldnt be the one who they think gives the best hugs.

I wouldnt be the one who makes them stop crying instantenously just by holding them.

I wouldnt be the one holding her breathe as my Munchkin attempting something for the first time.
I wouldnt be the one who agonized over every decision I make for my daughters.
I wouldnt be the one who loved them so very fiercely.

Everyone has days where none of the above is appealing. When you stand in the middle of all the chaos and just think, for a second, if only I wasnt Mama for a minute. Its human. Its totally normal.

But at the end of the day, the truth is, without Munchkin and cupcake. ...

I wouldnt be me.

and I love Mr M. a little more each time that he helped make me Mama to our munchkin and cupcake.

19 going on 3.

If I'm not careful I am going to miss munchkins childhood. I realized it tonight as I was whatsapp'ing with a friend. I want munchkin to act like a 19 year old when she is only turning 3 next month. 

I agonize over this childs behaviour, her defiance, her lack of social skills, I wonder when she will develop confidence, when will she stop hiding behind my skirt, when will she know right from wrong, when will she go to sleep without needing me, when will the constant Mama Mama Mama Mama end. I worry about her fierce pride, her willful independence

I worry. I worry. I worry. I wonder. I question. I agonize. I despair. but mostly I worry. I worry. I worry.

When I really should be celebrating. Munchkin is turning 3 next month. She is a child. A small child who still likes to hold her moms hand when she feels unsure but never when crossing the street. Who can tackle any playground slide with such determination and skill. She hides behind my skirts today, but soon she wont want to walk beside me in the mall. I worry that she is too willfully independent but I forget to remember that when she is in school that independance will protect her. She is her own person, she knows what she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it. If a little girl asks her to play she can comfortably say No, when asked why she says I didnt want to play with her. I was happy on my own. 

My daughter, the daughter of an insecure mother who spent 35 years realizing that you have to be comfortable in your own skin spending time with yourself...has this great little kid who already gets it. 

Why am I not rejoicing. Why am I not celebrating. Why? 

Because I want her to go to sleep by herself, because she wont clean up after herself, because she doesnt say exactly what I want her to say, because she wont do what I ask her for when I ask it of her. 

I keep wanting Munchkin to be all grown up. It hit me today. I am missing her childhood. She wont be this age again. She wont tell me I am the princess and I can wear lipstick. Because I am the princess. Her circular reasonin will stop, the simplicity with which she rationalizes decisions will end. I need to cherish these moments. 

I need to live in the now and in this age. because soon Munchkin wont be asking me Mama are you happy? She wont wory about my happiness the way she does now as only a 3 yr old can worry about their mama. She wont make deals with me that make no sense and then say its a deal baby! 

If I am not careful in constantly wishing my children were grown up I will have a lifetime of regrets for not having lived in this moment. 

Taking Pictures with Kids

Its been a weekend of photos for us.

It was hubbys bday and for his birthday we decided to do a photo shoot with the girls. Our first attempt at a family shoot since Cupcake was born. Hahaha. We thought we were so smart, that we knew how to do this. We told ourselves we would have no expectations, that this should be a fun experience. We would just go with the flow, not care if the poses didnt happen or anything. Its not like we were paying for the shoot.

So there we are Saturday morning everything planned to a T. Breakfast, Snacks, Naps all co-ordinated so that the shoot would happen at the perfect moment. We had planned this thing and gotten everything to go according to plan, so of course in true Hubby and me fashion, we congratulated ourselves on a job well done before doing the job... We were ready, the girls were fed and napped (the perfect time apparently to shoot them)....what could go wrong. All we had to do was get on the couch and look cute. If you have met Munchkin and cupcake you know thats not hard.

But alas, we did not account for the flashing led red ring our Munchkin wanted to wear.

No, we didnt think of that. And that was the beginning of the end.

Hubby begged her to get rid of it. Took pics with her and the ring hoping that would be enough. Nope. Not at all. He cajoled, and Im sad to admit he even tried to bribe her with candies to just hand over the bloody ring so we could be cute and stylin for the shoot.

But not at all. She was not budging. That ring was her best friend, it had given birth to her and deserved the respect of the universe. It belonged in our family portrait. Not on the kitchen table. And of course, the off button for the flashing light on this 10 cent china toy was not working. Of course.

Remember all that no expectation, dont get worked up, take it as it goes talk...yeah it went out the window.... We did three time outs, a couple of crying, screaming shoots. Alot of talking to, yelling..... and then just as we were about to give up.

Munchkin conceded to taking a picture wihtout the ring. So all was well again in the M household.

Excpet now Cupcake was tired and cranky. There is only so much cute that a 4 month old can do and that window is small. so very small.

So now we had a somber, Im not smiling because I know how badly you want me to smile Munchkin and a cranky pants Cupcake. So much fun.

But did Hubby or I give up. No siree.. We were going to have our family portrait. WE did not care. HAHHAHAHHA So many funny faces, tongues sticking out, scrunchy faced photos later we were able to capture four images that were good. It only took two days of planning, one morning of military percision preparation, two hrs of convincing, and 5 mins of good shooting.

To be honest, the pics hubby and I stopped at the most at as we went through the pics were the ones that captured the chaos of our shoot. My feeding one as the I tried to soothe the nerves of another. It was the pic where my hubby is at eye level with Munchkin trying ot convince her to give up the ring. Its the one where all three of us are trying to entertain Cupcake so she will smile. Its the following shot where she does smile but all of us are not looking at the camera...

Those moments captured our life right now. Anyone can rustle their kids together and take a postcard picture. Thats the easy part. Its the behind the scenes, the nitty gritty that make up our memories. Whenever Hubby and I look at this photo we will remember that ring, that godforsaken ring and all the hilarity that ensued.

im glad we did it. Its the first time we did a family shoot and we learned alot of lessons. Hopefully we will try again. Later. Much. Much Later.

But at the same time, I have to admit I think nowadays we are so obsessed with taking the picture to capture the moment that we forget to enjoy the moment. We were out with some friends the day before the shoot. At one point, their son gently held Munchkins hand and started walking. All four of us parents melted and immediately we were like someone get a camera, take a picture. And it just so happened none of us had our cameras at that moment. so we ended up just watching our kids hold hands and walk ahead of us. It was brilliant. And all four of us commented that we need to do more of that, just soak up the moment. Memorize the moment not memorialize the moment. In this age of Instagram, facebook, twitter and what not. It feels like its becoming more important to take the pic and post it to social media then to just have the picture for the moments sake.. I am guilty of this. So very guilty of doing this.

So at the end of the weekend, while I am happy we did the shoot and I love one shot from the shoot, I think I need to focus on enjoying my kids not worry so much about capturing the moment.

I want more red flashing plastic rings in my life then perfectly positioned smiling photos.

Gratitude

All day I hugged my girls closer. I inhaled deeply as I hugged them to take their scent in. I told them I love them.

All day I thought about two little boys who weren't being hugged. Would never be hugged again by their mom. Would never hear their mothers' voice again.Their mother, a old school friend passed away yesterday.

All day I cried. For her. For her children. For the fragmenting of a family. For a life imagined and not fulfilled. Dreams left behind. Things not said. Childhoods not witnessed.  I let the tears flow. I couldnt stop. I think this was the first death I have felt so deeply since becoming a mother. I dont know why. maybe because I thought of my girls, thought of what it would be like for them and my heart weeped. I thought of that moment when those boys will forget her scent, her touch and I sobbed. 

At bedtime today, as I walked between my girls rooms. I thought of those boys' father. Doing bedtime with his two scared little boys. What was he saying, where was mama. How did those boys cope without her tonight. The first of many many nights to come. 

All day I thought about gratitude. How very ungrateful I have been lately. How much I have to be thankful for, every minute of everyday. Its sad it takes something like this to remember that. In the hustle and bustle of being a mom I constantly forget to be grateful. Grateful that I have two healthy little girls, grateful to be their mother, grateful to have had today with my girls, grateful to be healthy, grateful for everything. and as hard as it is to admit, grateful that it wasnt me.

So very sad today. 

I made it out.

It took all day. 3 Failed attempts to leave the house. I had to download music, wipe the ipod clean, and charge it up. I had to negotiate the precarious balance to ensure both girls napped at the same time. I had to be totally ready for the second their eyes shut.

I had to close my eyes to the messy play area, the dishes in the sink, the unmade bed in my room, the clothes not put away. The paraphenlia of having two kids.

But more then anything else. I had to be determined.

to go for a jog.

I have lots and lots of weight to lose, from the pregnancies, the losses, the bad eating indulgences....just lots of weight. Im tired of looking bad. Im tired of feeling unfit, fat, and not comfortable in my own skin.

Ive been trying to go for this jog forever. Almost two weeks. Everyday I had an excuse, oh the music isnt downloaded. Oh I dont have

So today I laced up my sneakers, and got that ipod out and off I went. I didnt do much. Or more like I wasnt able to do much. I just was so happy to have gotten out the door.

Ive been miserable about how I look for a long time now. Infact, I cant remember the last time I was happy with how I looked. I havent bought clothes because I always think Ill buy clothes when I lose weight. Ill dress up when I lose the weight. Always the excuse is when I lose the weight.

And it hasnt happened. Not since I got pregnant with Nadine back in 2010. I have only gained weight. Its an awful feeling.

Didnt really hit me until I read an article recently about taking pics with your kids and how so many moms dont get in the picture. Because we arent dressed up, or we can remember the last time we washed our hair so its all skwey looking.  But my reason for having so few shots with my girls is. I hate how I look. I can avoid mirrors but once its in the picture. there it is. for everyone to see. my thunderthighs.... As I read the article I realized how few shots I have with my girls.

It makes me sad that I have allowed a situation which I have control over to have such a profound impact on my life. Munchkin and cupcake will only be this age once. Never again will they be 2.5 and 4 monthes old. If I dont do something about getting in those pictures with them then whats the point...

I need to lose the weight.

So I laced up my sneakers and snuck out the door as the two girls napped.

It felt glorious.

Finally a step in the right direction. Not sure if Ill be ready for those pictures anytime soon but at least Im one step closer...

Conquering the Playground

Munchkin took a huge, huge step in her little life. I was so proud. Her teachers and I actually hugged and were chatting like giddy teenagers over this small but so huge accomplishment.

Munchkin went down the slide at the playground and then raced the other kids down the slide.

It sounds like a small thing and for anyone who knows Munchkin it sounds even stranger....because my kid loves the playground. She is fearless when it comes to the slides, running up and down the bridges, climbing like a little monkey all over the play sets. She loves the slides... 

One of the things that attracted me to this school was that there was a playground for the kids to play in and that was where drop off would happen. I guess in my head I had that image of my little girl waving her hand to me distractedly to say bye because she was so excited to get into the playground and play with her friends. I thought I would stand there for a few minutes to talk to the other mothers at drop off, keeping one eye on my daughter as she ran up and down the stairs to the slide.

But thats not what happened at all. Couldnt have been further from the truth.

First, she cried for monthes at drop off. She hated it. She wouldnt let go of my hand. She was upset. clingy and miserable. At the playground where I had envisioned so many hours of happy laughter, scrapped knees, and loud shouts of glee. It was a gut wrenching experience, I questioned myself daily as a parent. I didnt know if it was the right move for our daughter. She wasnt happy and it was killing me. I felt I had done a disservice to my dauther, I pushed her too fast and too hard, she wasnt ready for school. I considered pulling her out of school but my husband held firm...

Thank god he did. Munchkin slowly came around. She started to enjoy school, was excited to show me her work at pick up, she loved her teachers and you could see she was well liked by her classmates. 

But there was still drop off. 

Munchkin had stopped crying at drop off, she would even turn and say bye bye to me, giving me a small smile. But then she would step into the playground and simply stand there. Next to her teachers. Girls and boys would run up to Munchkin, excited to see her and would even take her hand to pull her into their game. But my child resisted. She stood there quietly next to her teacher, just observing everyone play. It bothered me to watch this. morning after morning, week after week. 

I wanted so much for my daughter to run off to play with the other kids. I wanted to hear her shouts and laughter as I walked away. But nope, she just stood there. Day after Day. 

I was so frustrated. All my feelings of guilt rose up again. It was my husband again who calmed me down, he said it will happen, give her time. She will do it at her own pace, not the pace you want. It was hard for me, I told him, I cant watch her just stand there the whole time. He promised me it would happen. 

It didnt happen, 

and then it didnt happen.

Cupcake was born, and it didnt Happen,

The weather changed, and it didnt happen.

And then it did. Almost a year into going to school, just as I was beginning to give up hope and the despair had settled into acceptance. It happened. I went to pick up Munchkin and her teachers were waiting for me, so excited. Ill never forget that moment when Ms. C said to me. She did it, she went down the slide and then she started racing other kids down the slide. I held my breathe as she approached the slide. I was so excited. 

I dont think I will ever be able to describe that moment. I was so proud of my Munchkin. She did it. I bent down as she ran up to me to give her a hug. I said, Munchkin did you go on the slide today. And she said to me. I DID IT MAMA! and gave me a high five. Omg. her face, the way it lit up with a sense of accomplishment. It was the best moment I have had so far in this journey of parenting. It beat all the kisses, smiles, coos, EVERYTHING I had experienced to date. It was the best. Just the best. 

This experience taught me so much. My child is an individual, she has her own timetable, she wont dance to my timetable. She will do things when she is ready to. She is unique. I cant make it happen for her no matter how badly I want something. Whatever I want, I have to remember that she is not me. She wont have my personality. I can only provide the encouragement and guidance...but she has to do it. She has to slide down the slide by herself, when she is ready to. Patience. I need to have patience, something so incredibly difficult for me. Patience. My munchkin needs my patience. Because only patience will bring more moments of...

MAMA, I DID IT!!!

Best. Moment. Ever. 

Dont be that Mom.

Dont be that mom. Just dont. Its hard to resist and I have forgotten and said something mindless...and I always regret it. JUST DONT BE THAT MOM.

We all know a mom like this. You know that one annoying mom who no matter what you say, her kid does it better, longer, and more amazingly then your kid. It doesnt matter what it is...The conversation goes something like this.

Me: Munchkin is going through the terrible twos. Its hell. Her tantrums are really tough.

Annoying Mom: Oh my kid is the worst. You dont know what tantrums are. You should see my kid.

Honestly, I want to turn to that mom and say, "Hey lady, this isnt a competition there is no award for whose kid is worse..... so calm down...no one is taking home any gold medals today!

But for annoying mom, it doesnt matter if the convo is positive or negative. All that matters is

Parenting is tough enough. Its hard being Mama 24/7. You doubt yourself so much. You question every minute detail and sometimes the only thing that saves you from jumping off the cliff is other moms. The ability to chat with other women who understand what we are going through, who make us feel normal about something small that has been torturing us.

Until annoying mom enters the scenario. I have watching that mom make people feel worse about themselves, Ive seen new moms eyes fill with a sheen of tears as annoying mom tells them about the wonderful nap schedule their 3 month old is on. Just as that new mom has finished saying her kid has absolutely no nap schedule and she is struggling to cop.

So dont be that mom.

Why do I keep saying that, because as sad as it is. Its easy to become that mom. We dont even know it when we cross over into being awful annoying mom. It happens so quickly and without THOUGHT.

It happened to me the other day. My older sis had a son right when I had cupcake. She was complaining about his sleep patterns and how much trouble she is having with him at night. And I decided (I have no clue why?) to tell her that Cupcake was sleeping 8 hrs at a stretch at night. I HATED MYSELF. As the words poured out of my mouth, I hated myself. But I couldnt stop it. And there I was annoying awful mom... Luckily my sister laughed and reminded me about my telling her about the concept of annoying awful mom. She actually told me to blog about it.

Just dont be that annoying mom. Guard against it. Fight it. The next time you feel the words bubbling up, squash them....

and if you meet an annoying mom, know she is lying. know that her child is not perfect, nor is he/she worse then your child, know that you are simply talking to another frightenned mom who copes by pretending.

Mama are you happy?

Munchkin asks me this a few times a day. My heart melts each time. Who else in the world is worried all day about my being happy. No one. Just my little munchkin. And I love her for it.

It's a daily reminder of why I am doing this. Why I agonize over the correct amount of fruits and veggies getting into Munchkins diet or if Cupcakes double chin is getting aired out so as to avoid infection. The minuetea of motherhood..the tiny details of a daily life that mean nothing individually...and sometimes drive you insane...

you wonder constantly why you worry, care so much, does any of it even matter, what difference does it make if munchkin isn't wearing a jacket on a slightly chilly days, if she wore her rain boots without socks. Does cupcake get enough attention from me, why isnt she rolling over yet...You wonder day in and day out if you are doing thing right, and you worry. Oh how you worry.

You want to care about none of it, to breeze through motherhood without any worries, confident in your every step as a mama. And in the grand scheme of things you know that all the tiny little things you cared so deeply about don't really matter. A pair of socks will not define my daughter. I know this. And yet. But the truth is you do care, it all matters to you. The worrying, the thinking, the teaching, the organizing is constant in the life of any mother. 

Sometimes I despair that I will ever have a moment again without worry or constant vigilance. And then munchkin asks me, Mama are you happy? And when I say Yes. The smile that comes to her face. It lights up the room. I realize in that moment that every second I have worried or cared has been worth it. The sum total of my worries have been my little girls entire world. She is happy and well adjusted because for now I can carry all her worries, have all the fears. For now, she can simply be happy and have only one worry. Is mama happy?

That in the grand scheme of things means I am doing something right. Amongst all the doubts, the sleepless nights,mother countless failed attempts at effective parenting...somewhere deep in there. I have done something right. Too bad, I'm not quite sure it is that I did do right. But it was something fundamental and important. So Alhm for that.

Count to 3.

I am waiting for the day Munchkin calls my bluff. Its going to happen, its just a matter of time.

When that happens, the power of 3 will be gone. Every parent knows what I am talking about.

Asking hasnt worked, all the negotiations are done, begging/pleading has failed, bribery resulted in nada...then you pull it out.

1, 2, 3.

I am going to count to 3. Before I get to three you better be marching upstairs/starting clean up/picking up the toy/whatever it is. It better happen before I get to 3. Otherwise....

In theory, this is a great plan. But it has a fatal flaw.

EVERY PARENT is deathly afraid of getting to 3. So we stall, this is how it goes in my house.

Munchkin I have asked you to pick up your clothes, you need to pick up your clothes, I am going to count to 3. You better start picking up your clothes before I get to three. And so I begin to count,

1 (Munchkin shows no signs of moving)

2 (Munchkin shows absolutely zero signs of moving, she actually has sunk further into the sofa)

now the fear sets in, what if I get to 3. So I stall, Ok Munchkin you really dont want me to get to 3. So you better do what I am asking you to do.

And I start again (see the delay tactic!)

1 (Munchkin shows no signs of moving)

2 (Munchkin shows absolutely zero signs of moving)

GODDAMNIT why does this kid always have to be so defiant. Why cant it just be easy to get her to pick up the damn toy. Of course at this point, I couldnt care less if Munchkin picks up the toy or not. I actually dont care if the toy sits there forever. But now the 1,2,3 dance has begun and I cant back down. So, time to reset again. Munchkin, dont test my patience. If I get to 3 you will be in alot of trouble.

1 (Please God, I beg you. MAKE THIS KID MOVE)

2 (Was that a movement? Was that a flutter of movement. PLEASE let it be..)

Munchkin gets up.

THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU!

Once again, the power of 1, 2, 3 has been preserved, to be used another day.

Forever changed.

Kids should come with a warning label. It should read.

- I will change your life. Forever. Nothing can be the same again. -

Yes. its wonderful. Yes. its the best thing that happened to me. Having munchkin and cupcake changed my life in all the most perfect ways.

But.

It also made my life so much more difficult. Not to say I am not rewarded dearly for those difficulties..but there are irrevocable changes that happened when I became their mama.

I stopped sleeping. The last time I slept a solid night was probably around the four/five month mark in my first pregnancy. Now, like all mothers, I sleep in bursts. And even when I sleep I feel like one ear is trained on the baby monitor while the other is listening for sounds of distress from my munchkins room. Ive woken up countless nights to the feeling of a warm hand petting my face and these beady little eyes staring at me as I open my sleep drenched eyes. ITS CREEPY! So very creepy.. I wake up before cupcake starts to cry on the monitor....just her breathing can change and I wake up. That cant be good for my sleep....

I miss that sleep. You know the one I am talking about. When nothing could disturb you, when you slept like the dead. This deep never-ending sweet sleep. Or better yet. Sleeping in... that was awesome. To wake up at 1 pm on a Saturday and not even feel guilty.

Now its all gone. And the saddest part is. I dont want it back. If I had to trade my girls for sleep I would never do it. Never. So good bye sleep. But oh how I will miss it over the next few years.

I stopped having 'me' time. Even the bathroom is a shared communal experience where Munchkin performs elaborate dances as I attempt to pee. I've lost count of the number of showers I have abruptly ended because I thought I heard one of the kids crying. I dont read blogs about art, literature, or current events. I read blogs about parenting, what I am doing wrong and how to fix my parenting skills. I spend my time on pinterest looking up arts and crafts projects for the kiddos, foods that they will like to eat, or how to decorate girls rooms. I plan my calender around munchkins kindergym and school schedule, or cupcakes doctors appointments.

I remember Saturdays spent waking up in the middle of the afternoon, getting dressed and walking lazily around downtown Toronto, while drifting into a quaint restuarant for a late lunch. I would be lying if I said I dont miss that. I miss the 'me' time. I think I miss this most of all.

I miss not being Mama 24/7. all day. everyday.

But then for one harrowing second I think what it would be like to not be mama for a moment and I stop cold. My heart stops, my eyes fill with tears, my hands reach for the warm feel of my dauthers. Because. I am forever changed. My life changed on August 12, 2010 at 7:21 pm. Forever.

I became Mama. Everything changed. Forever. and I am eternally grateful for it.

sleep.

We are sleep training Munchkin again. I can just hear my older sis say How many times are you going to sleep train her! I have the worlds most stubborn child in the universe, put on this earth to TORTURE me with her sleep routine. Its like she knows, this thing will kill mama. Its the last thing she has to get through before she can have her evening cup of chai. So I will make sure to drag it out for as long as possible.

For anyone who has a trouble sleeper. I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Sometimes I listen to other parents talk about 10 min bedtime routines where they read two books with their kids, tuck them in, tell them dont let the bed bugs bite. AND THATS IT. Their goddamn kid just goes off to sleep. I stare at those parents most time, and Im not going to lie, I HATE them. From some deep dark black hole, I hate them. I want to ask them how did you manage to get your kid to sleep without death threats, a song and dance routine, the reading of a bazillion books.... I just want to ask what I am doing wrong. Why my bedtime routine includes all of the above and stretches over an hr and half. But because I know the answers will make me want to commit murder, I shut up when  I talk to those parents. Often I mumble some awesome lie about how much Munchkin and I enjoy our time together in her room late at night....

But here I can be honest and I can say what I actually feel. I HATE BEDTIME! Im not that mom, you know the one who can dedicate herself to the time her kid requires to sleep. To make it her mission to calmly put her kid to sleep. At 8 pm, I am done being mama. I want munchkin and cupcake to go to sleep. Like a light switch, one second up, the next second sound asleep.

Who wants to read Llama, Llama and Good Night, Moon for the 800th time, not me.

Who wants to fight over which PJs to wear every single damn night, not me.

Who wants to argue with Munchkin about why she cant go to sleep with an orange at night. Yes, you read that right. AN ORANGE. This is my daughters latest obsession. Sleeping with an orange. I guess I should be thankful that she has gotten over the need to hug her slippers to sleep. So who wants to have this argument, not me.

Who wants to spend 23 mins a night finding whatever arcane, completely irrelevant and useless item that my child has deemed the most necessary for her ability to fall asleep. And of course, i dont have that kid who can be coddled with some other item. Nope, I have the kid who makes everything epic. If she wants the blue lipstick, well then you better find the blue lipstick. Because my kid does not want the red, purple, yello, green lipstick. No she wants the blue one. and thats that. She wants to torture me. So who wants to find it, not me.

Who wants to remind their kids a 100 times how much they will miss this sleep when they grow up? not me.

But I do it all, I read the books, repeatedly, I have the PJ fight which I always lose, I remove the orange, find the damn blue lipstick. I do it all in the hopes that perhaps maybe...just this once...she will drift into sleep without my going insane. But alas, its never the case. NEVER.

You would think I would learn right. But no. Every night I fall for Munchkins sleep acting. She is such a professional, with the yawning, the I am so tired mama, my eyes are not staying open. The hugging her toy tight, the deep breathing...not moving from her position...all of it an act...to lull me into complacency.

So as the clock ticks to ten mins of all this acting, I begin to hope, could it be, could it actually be that Munchkin allowed herself to sleep. So I slowly begin to test my theory, I throw the covers on her, and she doesnt push them off. Ok, time for me to move. I slowly, ever so slowly start to creep off her bed. Then I gingerly make my way across the floor of her room. And all parents who have those damn difficult sleeper knows, like I do, exactly where your foot needs to go each step of the way so you dont step on any creaky boards... the whole process of leaving takes 7 mins.... and just as you think you are victorious. Just as you can taste the chai in your mouth...and you are swinging the door slightly shut as you exit...you hear it..

"Mama where are you going?"

you realize it was an act, so back to square one you go. Walking back defeated you sit down again on the bed to wait. To wait agonizingly for those small little tiny sleepy eyes to flutter shut.

OMG how I hate bedtime.

Play Dough Integrity

Everyone has habits. Idiosyncrasies that develop over time. Just the way things are done according to you. You really dont know you have these habits really....until...you become a parent. And then every single one of your habits, idiosyncrasies becomes glaringly obvious. Something will happen, your kids will do or say something and you see it. you never noticed it before, but then BANG there it is. In glaring neon lights.

For me, its the way you play with play dough. YOU DONT MIX THE COLORS! Its so simple. The red playdough goes in the red playdough jar, the green in the green jar, the purple in the purple and so on and so forth. You play gently with small amounts from the jars, making adorable little shapes, fruits, trays..... an array of colors perfectly crafted to show creativity and an afternoon well spent as mama and munchkin time. Or so I imagined it would be as I stood in Walmart convincing myself to buy the set of 12 playdough jars for $8.49 when I could easily get the four small jars of basic colors from the dollarstore. This one had more colors, it would give Munchkin options. The wonders we would create together with all those colors... or so I told myself as I envisioned the perfect adult use of play dough.

The thing I forgot to consider as I placed the $8.49 tray of playdough in my cart was this...Munchkin is 2 1/2, she isnt interested in my ideas of how to play with the playdough. No siree. This kiddo has tons of ideas for the playdough. And none of them involved not mixing the playdough. In fact, Munchkin took the most pleasure in stacking small pancakes of different colors and using a small rolling pin to make a large multi colored pancake.

"look what I made for you Mama, PANCAKE!"

I tried showing her, tried explaining to her, tried getting upset, tried making rules about no mixing colors. I tried so hard. So very hard to save my colors and all the creativity that was to be inspired from the purity of the playdough colors. But she mixed and mixed the play dough.....pancake after pancake was created.

and now..

we have twelve perfect small jars of this gray/blue mish mashed colored play dough..... It broke my heart. Because of course, for me these jars were now useless,,,,,how could we make bananas when the yellow was more puke colored, how could we created watermelons when the red was actually black.....I didnt even realize it mattered to me, this no mixing of the playdough, until I watched munchkin press together with her hands a small ball of white and purple playdough. The glaring neon lights went off.

but for the Munchkin, it didnt matter that the colors were all messed up. She still loves playing with the twelve jars of grey/blue playdough and making those bananas and watermelons. The issues with the playdough were mine. Not hers.

I had missed the point. I was so busy maintaining the integrity of the playdough colors that I forgot to enjoy playing with my girl. I missed the main point of the playdough. It was to have fun, to enjoy the play dough however she wanted to. To give her the tools to be creative and to sit back and let that creativity take place. So goddamn hard for a control freak like myself. So damn hard.

So today, Munchkin and I spent a good part of the afternoon making grey/blue bananas and watermelons, cherries, sandwiches and so many other shapes and things. It was fun. We had fun. and honestly it was the first time I walked away from playdough having had fun and without getting upset at the Munchkin.

Of course, in true Munchkin fashion just as I was accepting the grey blue playdough, she turned and says Mama dont mix the colours. No mix playdough. Didnt know quite how to tell her that she missed the boat on the playdough color purity.

Cupcake makes me smile

Cupcake somehow knew I needed her today. She helped me remember why I did this. Why I gave up my body, sleep, my life as me to be mama. she coo'ed and smiled my thoughts away. Exactly what I needed. I was sad over something I should never have been sad for. I was upset that I was sad and didn't know how to cope with those feelings. Cupcakes smiles and animated conversations reminded me not to be sad. To be grateful. To be so very grateful that she is here today. My miracle baby. Three heart wrenching miscarriages later, I have this perfect little girl

Reminded of all I have and so thankful. 

I know it will all pass in an instant. I will blink and my girls will be all grown up. But right now, it feels like that moment is so far away. My girls consume my days, nights, and all the times in between. I stand in the shower an extra two mins so no one will disturb me, so I won't be mama for just that small window of time.

And then I make a cup of chai. And I worry as I sit there sipping my chai, that I will forget these moments, that when they grow up ill wonder about how my girls were as toddlers. That I will not recall the week Munchkin asked me everyone's last name. Or how she climbed on top of Cupcake to give her the pacifier. These  moments whose sum total are my days and nights will slip slowly from my memory.

I know these times are important. I know it and yet. I feel like I am barely coping. That I get through my days and when I sit down with chai I don't reflect on the day and all my girls wins and losses, or the cute moment that happened that day,rather I am just happy to have made it to that cup of chai, both girls safe in their beds and my sanity still intact.