We are sleep training Munchkin again. I can just hear my older sis say How many times are you going to sleep train her! I have the worlds most stubborn child in the universe, put on this earth to TORTURE me with her sleep routine. Its like she knows, this thing will kill mama. Its the last thing she has to get through before she can have her evening cup of chai. So I will make sure to drag it out for as long as possible.
For anyone who has a trouble sleeper. I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Sometimes I listen to other parents talk about 10 min bedtime routines where they read two books with their kids, tuck them in, tell them dont let the bed bugs bite. AND THATS IT. Their goddamn kid just goes off to sleep. I stare at those parents most time, and Im not going to lie, I HATE them. From some deep dark black hole, I hate them. I want to ask them how did you manage to get your kid to sleep without death threats, a song and dance routine, the reading of a bazillion books.... I just want to ask what I am doing wrong. Why my bedtime routine includes all of the above and stretches over an hr and half. But because I know the answers will make me want to commit murder, I shut up when I talk to those parents. Often I mumble some awesome lie about how much Munchkin and I enjoy our time together in her room late at night....
But here I can be honest and I can say what I actually feel. I HATE BEDTIME! Im not that mom, you know the one who can dedicate herself to the time her kid requires to sleep. To make it her mission to calmly put her kid to sleep. At 8 pm, I am done being mama. I want munchkin and cupcake to go to sleep. Like a light switch, one second up, the next second sound asleep.
Who wants to read Llama, Llama and Good Night, Moon for the 800th time, not me.
Who wants to fight over which PJs to wear every single damn night, not me.
Who wants to argue with Munchkin about why she cant go to sleep with an orange at night. Yes, you read that right. AN ORANGE. This is my daughters latest obsession. Sleeping with an orange. I guess I should be thankful that she has gotten over the need to hug her slippers to sleep. So who wants to have this argument, not me.
Who wants to spend 23 mins a night finding whatever arcane, completely irrelevant and useless item that my child has deemed the most necessary for her ability to fall asleep. And of course, i dont have that kid who can be coddled with some other item. Nope, I have the kid who makes everything epic. If she wants the blue lipstick, well then you better find the blue lipstick. Because my kid does not want the red, purple, yello, green lipstick. No she wants the blue one. and thats that. She wants to torture me. So who wants to find it, not me.
Who wants to remind their kids a 100 times how much they will miss this sleep when they grow up? not me.
But I do it all, I read the books, repeatedly, I have the PJ fight which I always lose, I remove the orange, find the damn blue lipstick. I do it all in the hopes that perhaps maybe...just this once...she will drift into sleep without my going insane. But alas, its never the case. NEVER.
You would think I would learn right. But no. Every night I fall for Munchkins sleep acting. She is such a professional, with the yawning, the I am so tired mama, my eyes are not staying open. The hugging her toy tight, the deep breathing...not moving from her position...all of it an act...to lull me into complacency.
So as the clock ticks to ten mins of all this acting, I begin to hope, could it be, could it actually be that Munchkin allowed herself to sleep. So I slowly begin to test my theory, I throw the covers on her, and she doesnt push them off. Ok, time for me to move. I slowly, ever so slowly start to creep off her bed. Then I gingerly make my way across the floor of her room. And all parents who have those damn difficult sleeper knows, like I do, exactly where your foot needs to go each step of the way so you dont step on any creaky boards... the whole process of leaving takes 7 mins.... and just as you think you are victorious. Just as you can taste the chai in your mouth...and you are swinging the door slightly shut as you exit...you hear it..
"Mama where are you going?"
you realize it was an act, so back to square one you go. Walking back defeated you sit down again on the bed to wait. To wait agonizingly for those small little tiny sleepy eyes to flutter shut.
OMG how I hate bedtime.
For anyone who has a trouble sleeper. I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Sometimes I listen to other parents talk about 10 min bedtime routines where they read two books with their kids, tuck them in, tell them dont let the bed bugs bite. AND THATS IT. Their goddamn kid just goes off to sleep. I stare at those parents most time, and Im not going to lie, I HATE them. From some deep dark black hole, I hate them. I want to ask them how did you manage to get your kid to sleep without death threats, a song and dance routine, the reading of a bazillion books.... I just want to ask what I am doing wrong. Why my bedtime routine includes all of the above and stretches over an hr and half. But because I know the answers will make me want to commit murder, I shut up when I talk to those parents. Often I mumble some awesome lie about how much Munchkin and I enjoy our time together in her room late at night....
But here I can be honest and I can say what I actually feel. I HATE BEDTIME! Im not that mom, you know the one who can dedicate herself to the time her kid requires to sleep. To make it her mission to calmly put her kid to sleep. At 8 pm, I am done being mama. I want munchkin and cupcake to go to sleep. Like a light switch, one second up, the next second sound asleep.
Who wants to read Llama, Llama and Good Night, Moon for the 800th time, not me.
Who wants to fight over which PJs to wear every single damn night, not me.
Who wants to argue with Munchkin about why she cant go to sleep with an orange at night. Yes, you read that right. AN ORANGE. This is my daughters latest obsession. Sleeping with an orange. I guess I should be thankful that she has gotten over the need to hug her slippers to sleep. So who wants to have this argument, not me.
Who wants to spend 23 mins a night finding whatever arcane, completely irrelevant and useless item that my child has deemed the most necessary for her ability to fall asleep. And of course, i dont have that kid who can be coddled with some other item. Nope, I have the kid who makes everything epic. If she wants the blue lipstick, well then you better find the blue lipstick. Because my kid does not want the red, purple, yello, green lipstick. No she wants the blue one. and thats that. She wants to torture me. So who wants to find it, not me.
Who wants to remind their kids a 100 times how much they will miss this sleep when they grow up? not me.
But I do it all, I read the books, repeatedly, I have the PJ fight which I always lose, I remove the orange, find the damn blue lipstick. I do it all in the hopes that perhaps maybe...just this once...she will drift into sleep without my going insane. But alas, its never the case. NEVER.
You would think I would learn right. But no. Every night I fall for Munchkins sleep acting. She is such a professional, with the yawning, the I am so tired mama, my eyes are not staying open. The hugging her toy tight, the deep breathing...not moving from her position...all of it an act...to lull me into complacency.
So as the clock ticks to ten mins of all this acting, I begin to hope, could it be, could it actually be that Munchkin allowed herself to sleep. So I slowly begin to test my theory, I throw the covers on her, and she doesnt push them off. Ok, time for me to move. I slowly, ever so slowly start to creep off her bed. Then I gingerly make my way across the floor of her room. And all parents who have those damn difficult sleeper knows, like I do, exactly where your foot needs to go each step of the way so you dont step on any creaky boards... the whole process of leaving takes 7 mins.... and just as you think you are victorious. Just as you can taste the chai in your mouth...and you are swinging the door slightly shut as you exit...you hear it..
"Mama where are you going?"
you realize it was an act, so back to square one you go. Walking back defeated you sit down again on the bed to wait. To wait agonizingly for those small little tiny sleepy eyes to flutter shut.
OMG how I hate bedtime.
No comments:
Post a Comment