I wouldnt be the one...

Today I hugged Mr M and said thank you.. Without him there would be no Munchkin, no cupcake. I would not be their mother.

I wouldnt be the one who they want in the middle of the night. 

I wouldnt be the one who could light up their faces with smiles by just entering the room

I wouldnt be the one who cupcake follows around the room with her eyes.

I wouldnt be the one who answered to MaMa.

I wouldnt be the one who got to complain about them.

I wouldnt be the one who they think gives the best hugs.

I wouldnt be the one who makes them stop crying instantenously just by holding them.

I wouldnt be the one holding her breathe as my Munchkin attempting something for the first time.
I wouldnt be the one who agonized over every decision I make for my daughters.
I wouldnt be the one who loved them so very fiercely.

Everyone has days where none of the above is appealing. When you stand in the middle of all the chaos and just think, for a second, if only I wasnt Mama for a minute. Its human. Its totally normal.

But at the end of the day, the truth is, without Munchkin and cupcake. ...

I wouldnt be me.

and I love Mr M. a little more each time that he helped make me Mama to our munchkin and cupcake.

19 going on 3.

If I'm not careful I am going to miss munchkins childhood. I realized it tonight as I was whatsapp'ing with a friend. I want munchkin to act like a 19 year old when she is only turning 3 next month. 

I agonize over this childs behaviour, her defiance, her lack of social skills, I wonder when she will develop confidence, when will she stop hiding behind my skirt, when will she know right from wrong, when will she go to sleep without needing me, when will the constant Mama Mama Mama Mama end. I worry about her fierce pride, her willful independence

I worry. I worry. I worry. I wonder. I question. I agonize. I despair. but mostly I worry. I worry. I worry.

When I really should be celebrating. Munchkin is turning 3 next month. She is a child. A small child who still likes to hold her moms hand when she feels unsure but never when crossing the street. Who can tackle any playground slide with such determination and skill. She hides behind my skirts today, but soon she wont want to walk beside me in the mall. I worry that she is too willfully independent but I forget to remember that when she is in school that independance will protect her. She is her own person, she knows what she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it. If a little girl asks her to play she can comfortably say No, when asked why she says I didnt want to play with her. I was happy on my own. 

My daughter, the daughter of an insecure mother who spent 35 years realizing that you have to be comfortable in your own skin spending time with yourself...has this great little kid who already gets it. 

Why am I not rejoicing. Why am I not celebrating. Why? 

Because I want her to go to sleep by herself, because she wont clean up after herself, because she doesnt say exactly what I want her to say, because she wont do what I ask her for when I ask it of her. 

I keep wanting Munchkin to be all grown up. It hit me today. I am missing her childhood. She wont be this age again. She wont tell me I am the princess and I can wear lipstick. Because I am the princess. Her circular reasonin will stop, the simplicity with which she rationalizes decisions will end. I need to cherish these moments. 

I need to live in the now and in this age. because soon Munchkin wont be asking me Mama are you happy? She wont wory about my happiness the way she does now as only a 3 yr old can worry about their mama. She wont make deals with me that make no sense and then say its a deal baby! 

If I am not careful in constantly wishing my children were grown up I will have a lifetime of regrets for not having lived in this moment.