Taking Pictures with Kids

Its been a weekend of photos for us.

It was hubbys bday and for his birthday we decided to do a photo shoot with the girls. Our first attempt at a family shoot since Cupcake was born. Hahaha. We thought we were so smart, that we knew how to do this. We told ourselves we would have no expectations, that this should be a fun experience. We would just go with the flow, not care if the poses didnt happen or anything. Its not like we were paying for the shoot.

So there we are Saturday morning everything planned to a T. Breakfast, Snacks, Naps all co-ordinated so that the shoot would happen at the perfect moment. We had planned this thing and gotten everything to go according to plan, so of course in true Hubby and me fashion, we congratulated ourselves on a job well done before doing the job... We were ready, the girls were fed and napped (the perfect time apparently to shoot them)....what could go wrong. All we had to do was get on the couch and look cute. If you have met Munchkin and cupcake you know thats not hard.

But alas, we did not account for the flashing led red ring our Munchkin wanted to wear.

No, we didnt think of that. And that was the beginning of the end.

Hubby begged her to get rid of it. Took pics with her and the ring hoping that would be enough. Nope. Not at all. He cajoled, and Im sad to admit he even tried to bribe her with candies to just hand over the bloody ring so we could be cute and stylin for the shoot.

But not at all. She was not budging. That ring was her best friend, it had given birth to her and deserved the respect of the universe. It belonged in our family portrait. Not on the kitchen table. And of course, the off button for the flashing light on this 10 cent china toy was not working. Of course.

Remember all that no expectation, dont get worked up, take it as it goes talk...yeah it went out the window.... We did three time outs, a couple of crying, screaming shoots. Alot of talking to, yelling..... and then just as we were about to give up.

Munchkin conceded to taking a picture wihtout the ring. So all was well again in the M household.

Excpet now Cupcake was tired and cranky. There is only so much cute that a 4 month old can do and that window is small. so very small.

So now we had a somber, Im not smiling because I know how badly you want me to smile Munchkin and a cranky pants Cupcake. So much fun.

But did Hubby or I give up. No siree.. We were going to have our family portrait. WE did not care. HAHHAHAHHA So many funny faces, tongues sticking out, scrunchy faced photos later we were able to capture four images that were good. It only took two days of planning, one morning of military percision preparation, two hrs of convincing, and 5 mins of good shooting.

To be honest, the pics hubby and I stopped at the most at as we went through the pics were the ones that captured the chaos of our shoot. My feeding one as the I tried to soothe the nerves of another. It was the pic where my hubby is at eye level with Munchkin trying ot convince her to give up the ring. Its the one where all three of us are trying to entertain Cupcake so she will smile. Its the following shot where she does smile but all of us are not looking at the camera...

Those moments captured our life right now. Anyone can rustle their kids together and take a postcard picture. Thats the easy part. Its the behind the scenes, the nitty gritty that make up our memories. Whenever Hubby and I look at this photo we will remember that ring, that godforsaken ring and all the hilarity that ensued.

im glad we did it. Its the first time we did a family shoot and we learned alot of lessons. Hopefully we will try again. Later. Much. Much Later.

But at the same time, I have to admit I think nowadays we are so obsessed with taking the picture to capture the moment that we forget to enjoy the moment. We were out with some friends the day before the shoot. At one point, their son gently held Munchkins hand and started walking. All four of us parents melted and immediately we were like someone get a camera, take a picture. And it just so happened none of us had our cameras at that moment. so we ended up just watching our kids hold hands and walk ahead of us. It was brilliant. And all four of us commented that we need to do more of that, just soak up the moment. Memorize the moment not memorialize the moment. In this age of Instagram, facebook, twitter and what not. It feels like its becoming more important to take the pic and post it to social media then to just have the picture for the moments sake.. I am guilty of this. So very guilty of doing this.

So at the end of the weekend, while I am happy we did the shoot and I love one shot from the shoot, I think I need to focus on enjoying my kids not worry so much about capturing the moment.

I want more red flashing plastic rings in my life then perfectly positioned smiling photos.

Gratitude

All day I hugged my girls closer. I inhaled deeply as I hugged them to take their scent in. I told them I love them.

All day I thought about two little boys who weren't being hugged. Would never be hugged again by their mom. Would never hear their mothers' voice again.Their mother, a old school friend passed away yesterday.

All day I cried. For her. For her children. For the fragmenting of a family. For a life imagined and not fulfilled. Dreams left behind. Things not said. Childhoods not witnessed.  I let the tears flow. I couldnt stop. I think this was the first death I have felt so deeply since becoming a mother. I dont know why. maybe because I thought of my girls, thought of what it would be like for them and my heart weeped. I thought of that moment when those boys will forget her scent, her touch and I sobbed. 

At bedtime today, as I walked between my girls rooms. I thought of those boys' father. Doing bedtime with his two scared little boys. What was he saying, where was mama. How did those boys cope without her tonight. The first of many many nights to come. 

All day I thought about gratitude. How very ungrateful I have been lately. How much I have to be thankful for, every minute of everyday. Its sad it takes something like this to remember that. In the hustle and bustle of being a mom I constantly forget to be grateful. Grateful that I have two healthy little girls, grateful to be their mother, grateful to have had today with my girls, grateful to be healthy, grateful for everything. and as hard as it is to admit, grateful that it wasnt me.

So very sad today. 

I made it out.

It took all day. 3 Failed attempts to leave the house. I had to download music, wipe the ipod clean, and charge it up. I had to negotiate the precarious balance to ensure both girls napped at the same time. I had to be totally ready for the second their eyes shut.

I had to close my eyes to the messy play area, the dishes in the sink, the unmade bed in my room, the clothes not put away. The paraphenlia of having two kids.

But more then anything else. I had to be determined.

to go for a jog.

I have lots and lots of weight to lose, from the pregnancies, the losses, the bad eating indulgences....just lots of weight. Im tired of looking bad. Im tired of feeling unfit, fat, and not comfortable in my own skin.

Ive been trying to go for this jog forever. Almost two weeks. Everyday I had an excuse, oh the music isnt downloaded. Oh I dont have

So today I laced up my sneakers, and got that ipod out and off I went. I didnt do much. Or more like I wasnt able to do much. I just was so happy to have gotten out the door.

Ive been miserable about how I look for a long time now. Infact, I cant remember the last time I was happy with how I looked. I havent bought clothes because I always think Ill buy clothes when I lose weight. Ill dress up when I lose the weight. Always the excuse is when I lose the weight.

And it hasnt happened. Not since I got pregnant with Nadine back in 2010. I have only gained weight. Its an awful feeling.

Didnt really hit me until I read an article recently about taking pics with your kids and how so many moms dont get in the picture. Because we arent dressed up, or we can remember the last time we washed our hair so its all skwey looking.  But my reason for having so few shots with my girls is. I hate how I look. I can avoid mirrors but once its in the picture. there it is. for everyone to see. my thunderthighs.... As I read the article I realized how few shots I have with my girls.

It makes me sad that I have allowed a situation which I have control over to have such a profound impact on my life. Munchkin and cupcake will only be this age once. Never again will they be 2.5 and 4 monthes old. If I dont do something about getting in those pictures with them then whats the point...

I need to lose the weight.

So I laced up my sneakers and snuck out the door as the two girls napped.

It felt glorious.

Finally a step in the right direction. Not sure if Ill be ready for those pictures anytime soon but at least Im one step closer...

Conquering the Playground

Munchkin took a huge, huge step in her little life. I was so proud. Her teachers and I actually hugged and were chatting like giddy teenagers over this small but so huge accomplishment.

Munchkin went down the slide at the playground and then raced the other kids down the slide.

It sounds like a small thing and for anyone who knows Munchkin it sounds even stranger....because my kid loves the playground. She is fearless when it comes to the slides, running up and down the bridges, climbing like a little monkey all over the play sets. She loves the slides... 

One of the things that attracted me to this school was that there was a playground for the kids to play in and that was where drop off would happen. I guess in my head I had that image of my little girl waving her hand to me distractedly to say bye because she was so excited to get into the playground and play with her friends. I thought I would stand there for a few minutes to talk to the other mothers at drop off, keeping one eye on my daughter as she ran up and down the stairs to the slide.

But thats not what happened at all. Couldnt have been further from the truth.

First, she cried for monthes at drop off. She hated it. She wouldnt let go of my hand. She was upset. clingy and miserable. At the playground where I had envisioned so many hours of happy laughter, scrapped knees, and loud shouts of glee. It was a gut wrenching experience, I questioned myself daily as a parent. I didnt know if it was the right move for our daughter. She wasnt happy and it was killing me. I felt I had done a disservice to my dauther, I pushed her too fast and too hard, she wasnt ready for school. I considered pulling her out of school but my husband held firm...

Thank god he did. Munchkin slowly came around. She started to enjoy school, was excited to show me her work at pick up, she loved her teachers and you could see she was well liked by her classmates. 

But there was still drop off. 

Munchkin had stopped crying at drop off, she would even turn and say bye bye to me, giving me a small smile. But then she would step into the playground and simply stand there. Next to her teachers. Girls and boys would run up to Munchkin, excited to see her and would even take her hand to pull her into their game. But my child resisted. She stood there quietly next to her teacher, just observing everyone play. It bothered me to watch this. morning after morning, week after week. 

I wanted so much for my daughter to run off to play with the other kids. I wanted to hear her shouts and laughter as I walked away. But nope, she just stood there. Day after Day. 

I was so frustrated. All my feelings of guilt rose up again. It was my husband again who calmed me down, he said it will happen, give her time. She will do it at her own pace, not the pace you want. It was hard for me, I told him, I cant watch her just stand there the whole time. He promised me it would happen. 

It didnt happen, 

and then it didnt happen.

Cupcake was born, and it didnt Happen,

The weather changed, and it didnt happen.

And then it did. Almost a year into going to school, just as I was beginning to give up hope and the despair had settled into acceptance. It happened. I went to pick up Munchkin and her teachers were waiting for me, so excited. Ill never forget that moment when Ms. C said to me. She did it, she went down the slide and then she started racing other kids down the slide. I held my breathe as she approached the slide. I was so excited. 

I dont think I will ever be able to describe that moment. I was so proud of my Munchkin. She did it. I bent down as she ran up to me to give her a hug. I said, Munchkin did you go on the slide today. And she said to me. I DID IT MAMA! and gave me a high five. Omg. her face, the way it lit up with a sense of accomplishment. It was the best moment I have had so far in this journey of parenting. It beat all the kisses, smiles, coos, EVERYTHING I had experienced to date. It was the best. Just the best. 

This experience taught me so much. My child is an individual, she has her own timetable, she wont dance to my timetable. She will do things when she is ready to. She is unique. I cant make it happen for her no matter how badly I want something. Whatever I want, I have to remember that she is not me. She wont have my personality. I can only provide the encouragement and guidance...but she has to do it. She has to slide down the slide by herself, when she is ready to. Patience. I need to have patience, something so incredibly difficult for me. Patience. My munchkin needs my patience. Because only patience will bring more moments of...

MAMA, I DID IT!!!

Best. Moment. Ever.