Gratitude

All day I hugged my girls closer. I inhaled deeply as I hugged them to take their scent in. I told them I love them.

All day I thought about two little boys who weren't being hugged. Would never be hugged again by their mom. Would never hear their mothers' voice again.Their mother, a old school friend passed away yesterday.

All day I cried. For her. For her children. For the fragmenting of a family. For a life imagined and not fulfilled. Dreams left behind. Things not said. Childhoods not witnessed.  I let the tears flow. I couldnt stop. I think this was the first death I have felt so deeply since becoming a mother. I dont know why. maybe because I thought of my girls, thought of what it would be like for them and my heart weeped. I thought of that moment when those boys will forget her scent, her touch and I sobbed. 

At bedtime today, as I walked between my girls rooms. I thought of those boys' father. Doing bedtime with his two scared little boys. What was he saying, where was mama. How did those boys cope without her tonight. The first of many many nights to come. 

All day I thought about gratitude. How very ungrateful I have been lately. How much I have to be thankful for, every minute of everyday. Its sad it takes something like this to remember that. In the hustle and bustle of being a mom I constantly forget to be grateful. Grateful that I have two healthy little girls, grateful to be their mother, grateful to have had today with my girls, grateful to be healthy, grateful for everything. and as hard as it is to admit, grateful that it wasnt me.

So very sad today.