I stopped blogging. Life happened. Things went hazy and blogging just became a task, a to-do on the never ending list of things not getting done. So I let go. I told myself when I am in a better place with parenting Ill come back to this. Ill write when I am the mom I have always imagined I would be.
Ill come back to blogging when I have motherhood figured out and am doing it right. I don't want to document the daily failures, the yelling matches I engage in, the quiet times in the car when I tell my kids no talking, mama cant handle anymore talking.
A group I follow on FB recently asked for writing submissions about the stages of Motherhood, past, present, and future. and I had this moment. I just sat at the table with my chai and thought. Hunh?
If I had to write about the stages of motherhood what would I say... what would I want to say. 5 years into this journey, do I know anything about the stages of motherhood??
Yes I can.
Because I have spent the last 5 years planning on being a better mom. Tomorrow. Future.
Regretting how something that happened and rehashing all the mistakes I made. Yesterday. Past.
Feeling like Im barely keeping my head above water. Today. Present.
Thats the thing. My world is so small right now. Its everyday. 24 hrs at a time. Small pockets of time, repeated continously. or so it feels. I wake up everyday, thinking about the past, racing through the nitty gritty of parenting today, and as my eyes drift shut during endless bedtime routines I think about how will I do it differently tomorrow. Past, Present, and Future. All togethere in small 24 hr windows.
As I sat there drinking my chai, I decided to start blogging again. Right there and then. And of course, reality intruded, Munchkin pee'd and Cupcake lost a critical barbie shoe. and two weeks passed. But the thought didn't leave me. Get back to the blog. Write. Write something. Anything. Just write.
Because I cant keep waiting to be tomorrow's mom. I want to write about the mom who listened to her daughter tell her at bedtime that she should be more like Baba, less angry and yelling all the time. I want to write about how that would probably should have broken my heart but I was too exhausted from a day of tantrums, potty training battles, and walmart meltdowns to really care. I quietly listened and promised myself to do better tomorrow.
And I will do better tomorrow.
But today, I am the mom who yells, hustles her girls, corrects them, watches them, insists on good manners, reprimands them, teaches them, turns off the tv at the critical moment. I am that mom. But I am also the mom who lets her four yr old where whatever she wants. I am the mom who drinks endless cups of tea while wearing a tiara. I am the mom who can decipher munchkins 2 yr old gibberish. Who throws awesome birthday parties, who lets her daughters help her in the kitchen, I am the mom who waits in -15 so the girls can make snow angels, and stops at Tim Hortons for Wed afternoon treats.
And thats what I want to document. Today's mom.
Ill come back to blogging when I have motherhood figured out and am doing it right. I don't want to document the daily failures, the yelling matches I engage in, the quiet times in the car when I tell my kids no talking, mama cant handle anymore talking.
A group I follow on FB recently asked for writing submissions about the stages of Motherhood, past, present, and future. and I had this moment. I just sat at the table with my chai and thought. Hunh?
If I had to write about the stages of motherhood what would I say... what would I want to say. 5 years into this journey, do I know anything about the stages of motherhood??
Yes I can.
Because I have spent the last 5 years planning on being a better mom. Tomorrow. Future.
Regretting how something that happened and rehashing all the mistakes I made. Yesterday. Past.
Feeling like Im barely keeping my head above water. Today. Present.
Thats the thing. My world is so small right now. Its everyday. 24 hrs at a time. Small pockets of time, repeated continously. or so it feels. I wake up everyday, thinking about the past, racing through the nitty gritty of parenting today, and as my eyes drift shut during endless bedtime routines I think about how will I do it differently tomorrow. Past, Present, and Future. All togethere in small 24 hr windows.
As I sat there drinking my chai, I decided to start blogging again. Right there and then. And of course, reality intruded, Munchkin pee'd and Cupcake lost a critical barbie shoe. and two weeks passed. But the thought didn't leave me. Get back to the blog. Write. Write something. Anything. Just write.
Because I cant keep waiting to be tomorrow's mom. I want to write about the mom who listened to her daughter tell her at bedtime that she should be more like Baba, less angry and yelling all the time. I want to write about how that would probably should have broken my heart but I was too exhausted from a day of tantrums, potty training battles, and walmart meltdowns to really care. I quietly listened and promised myself to do better tomorrow.
And I will do better tomorrow.
But today, I am the mom who yells, hustles her girls, corrects them, watches them, insists on good manners, reprimands them, teaches them, turns off the tv at the critical moment. I am that mom. But I am also the mom who lets her four yr old where whatever she wants. I am the mom who drinks endless cups of tea while wearing a tiara. I am the mom who can decipher munchkins 2 yr old gibberish. Who throws awesome birthday parties, who lets her daughters help her in the kitchen, I am the mom who waits in -15 so the girls can make snow angels, and stops at Tim Hortons for Wed afternoon treats.
And thats what I want to document. Today's mom.
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