Waiting for tomorrow's mom.

I stopped blogging. Life happened. Things went hazy and blogging just became a task, a to-do on the never ending list of things not getting done. So I let go. I told myself when I am in a better place with parenting Ill come back to this. Ill write when I am the mom I have always imagined I would be.

Ill come back to blogging when I have motherhood figured out and am doing it right. I don't want to document the daily failures, the yelling matches I engage in, the quiet times in the car when I tell my kids no talking, mama cant handle anymore talking.

A group I follow on FB recently asked for writing submissions about the stages of Motherhood, past, present, and future. and I had this moment. I just sat at the table with my chai and thought. Hunh?

If I had to write about the stages of motherhood what would I say... what would I want to say. 5 years into this journey, do I know anything about the stages of motherhood??

Yes I can.

Because I have spent the last 5 years planning on being a better mom. Tomorrow. Future.

Regretting how something that happened and rehashing all the mistakes I made. Yesterday. Past.

Feeling like Im barely keeping my head above water. Today. Present.


Thats the thing. My world is so small right now. Its everyday. 24 hrs at a time. Small pockets of time, repeated continously. or so it feels.  I wake up everyday, thinking about the past, racing through the nitty gritty of parenting today, and as my eyes drift shut during endless bedtime routines I think about how will I do it differently tomorrow. Past, Present, and Future. All togethere in small 24 hr windows.

As I sat there drinking my chai, I decided to start blogging again. Right there and then. And of course, reality intruded, Munchkin pee'd and Cupcake lost a critical barbie shoe. and two weeks passed. But the thought didn't leave me. Get back to the blog. Write. Write something. Anything. Just write.

Because I cant keep waiting to be tomorrow's mom. I want to write about the mom who listened to her daughter tell her at bedtime that she should be more like Baba, less angry and yelling all the time. I want to write about how that would probably should have broken my heart but I was too exhausted from a day of tantrums, potty training battles, and walmart meltdowns to really care. I quietly listened and promised myself to do better tomorrow.

And I will do better tomorrow.

But today, I am the mom who yells, hustles her girls, corrects them, watches them, insists on good manners, reprimands them, teaches them, turns off the tv at the critical moment. I am that mom. But I am also the mom who lets her four yr old where whatever she wants. I am the mom who drinks endless cups of tea while wearing a tiara. I am the mom who can decipher munchkins 2 yr old gibberish. Who throws awesome birthday parties, who lets her daughters help her in the kitchen, I am the mom who waits in -15 so the girls can make snow angels, and stops at Tim Hortons for Wed afternoon treats.

And thats what I want to document. Today's mom.

I wouldnt be the one...

Today I hugged Mr M and said thank you.. Without him there would be no Munchkin, no cupcake. I would not be their mother.

I wouldnt be the one who they want in the middle of the night. 

I wouldnt be the one who could light up their faces with smiles by just entering the room

I wouldnt be the one who cupcake follows around the room with her eyes.

I wouldnt be the one who answered to MaMa.

I wouldnt be the one who got to complain about them.

I wouldnt be the one who they think gives the best hugs.

I wouldnt be the one who makes them stop crying instantenously just by holding them.

I wouldnt be the one holding her breathe as my Munchkin attempting something for the first time.
I wouldnt be the one who agonized over every decision I make for my daughters.
I wouldnt be the one who loved them so very fiercely.

Everyone has days where none of the above is appealing. When you stand in the middle of all the chaos and just think, for a second, if only I wasnt Mama for a minute. Its human. Its totally normal.

But at the end of the day, the truth is, without Munchkin and cupcake. ...

I wouldnt be me.

and I love Mr M. a little more each time that he helped make me Mama to our munchkin and cupcake.

19 going on 3.

If I'm not careful I am going to miss munchkins childhood. I realized it tonight as I was whatsapp'ing with a friend. I want munchkin to act like a 19 year old when she is only turning 3 next month. 

I agonize over this childs behaviour, her defiance, her lack of social skills, I wonder when she will develop confidence, when will she stop hiding behind my skirt, when will she know right from wrong, when will she go to sleep without needing me, when will the constant Mama Mama Mama Mama end. I worry about her fierce pride, her willful independence

I worry. I worry. I worry. I wonder. I question. I agonize. I despair. but mostly I worry. I worry. I worry.

When I really should be celebrating. Munchkin is turning 3 next month. She is a child. A small child who still likes to hold her moms hand when she feels unsure but never when crossing the street. Who can tackle any playground slide with such determination and skill. She hides behind my skirts today, but soon she wont want to walk beside me in the mall. I worry that she is too willfully independent but I forget to remember that when she is in school that independance will protect her. She is her own person, she knows what she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it. If a little girl asks her to play she can comfortably say No, when asked why she says I didnt want to play with her. I was happy on my own. 

My daughter, the daughter of an insecure mother who spent 35 years realizing that you have to be comfortable in your own skin spending time with yourself...has this great little kid who already gets it. 

Why am I not rejoicing. Why am I not celebrating. Why? 

Because I want her to go to sleep by herself, because she wont clean up after herself, because she doesnt say exactly what I want her to say, because she wont do what I ask her for when I ask it of her. 

I keep wanting Munchkin to be all grown up. It hit me today. I am missing her childhood. She wont be this age again. She wont tell me I am the princess and I can wear lipstick. Because I am the princess. Her circular reasonin will stop, the simplicity with which she rationalizes decisions will end. I need to cherish these moments. 

I need to live in the now and in this age. because soon Munchkin wont be asking me Mama are you happy? She wont wory about my happiness the way she does now as only a 3 yr old can worry about their mama. She wont make deals with me that make no sense and then say its a deal baby! 

If I am not careful in constantly wishing my children were grown up I will have a lifetime of regrets for not having lived in this moment. 

Taking Pictures with Kids

Its been a weekend of photos for us.

It was hubbys bday and for his birthday we decided to do a photo shoot with the girls. Our first attempt at a family shoot since Cupcake was born. Hahaha. We thought we were so smart, that we knew how to do this. We told ourselves we would have no expectations, that this should be a fun experience. We would just go with the flow, not care if the poses didnt happen or anything. Its not like we were paying for the shoot.

So there we are Saturday morning everything planned to a T. Breakfast, Snacks, Naps all co-ordinated so that the shoot would happen at the perfect moment. We had planned this thing and gotten everything to go according to plan, so of course in true Hubby and me fashion, we congratulated ourselves on a job well done before doing the job... We were ready, the girls were fed and napped (the perfect time apparently to shoot them)....what could go wrong. All we had to do was get on the couch and look cute. If you have met Munchkin and cupcake you know thats not hard.

But alas, we did not account for the flashing led red ring our Munchkin wanted to wear.

No, we didnt think of that. And that was the beginning of the end.

Hubby begged her to get rid of it. Took pics with her and the ring hoping that would be enough. Nope. Not at all. He cajoled, and Im sad to admit he even tried to bribe her with candies to just hand over the bloody ring so we could be cute and stylin for the shoot.

But not at all. She was not budging. That ring was her best friend, it had given birth to her and deserved the respect of the universe. It belonged in our family portrait. Not on the kitchen table. And of course, the off button for the flashing light on this 10 cent china toy was not working. Of course.

Remember all that no expectation, dont get worked up, take it as it goes talk...yeah it went out the window.... We did three time outs, a couple of crying, screaming shoots. Alot of talking to, yelling..... and then just as we were about to give up.

Munchkin conceded to taking a picture wihtout the ring. So all was well again in the M household.

Excpet now Cupcake was tired and cranky. There is only so much cute that a 4 month old can do and that window is small. so very small.

So now we had a somber, Im not smiling because I know how badly you want me to smile Munchkin and a cranky pants Cupcake. So much fun.

But did Hubby or I give up. No siree.. We were going to have our family portrait. WE did not care. HAHHAHAHHA So many funny faces, tongues sticking out, scrunchy faced photos later we were able to capture four images that were good. It only took two days of planning, one morning of military percision preparation, two hrs of convincing, and 5 mins of good shooting.

To be honest, the pics hubby and I stopped at the most at as we went through the pics were the ones that captured the chaos of our shoot. My feeding one as the I tried to soothe the nerves of another. It was the pic where my hubby is at eye level with Munchkin trying ot convince her to give up the ring. Its the one where all three of us are trying to entertain Cupcake so she will smile. Its the following shot where she does smile but all of us are not looking at the camera...

Those moments captured our life right now. Anyone can rustle their kids together and take a postcard picture. Thats the easy part. Its the behind the scenes, the nitty gritty that make up our memories. Whenever Hubby and I look at this photo we will remember that ring, that godforsaken ring and all the hilarity that ensued.

im glad we did it. Its the first time we did a family shoot and we learned alot of lessons. Hopefully we will try again. Later. Much. Much Later.

But at the same time, I have to admit I think nowadays we are so obsessed with taking the picture to capture the moment that we forget to enjoy the moment. We were out with some friends the day before the shoot. At one point, their son gently held Munchkins hand and started walking. All four of us parents melted and immediately we were like someone get a camera, take a picture. And it just so happened none of us had our cameras at that moment. so we ended up just watching our kids hold hands and walk ahead of us. It was brilliant. And all four of us commented that we need to do more of that, just soak up the moment. Memorize the moment not memorialize the moment. In this age of Instagram, facebook, twitter and what not. It feels like its becoming more important to take the pic and post it to social media then to just have the picture for the moments sake.. I am guilty of this. So very guilty of doing this.

So at the end of the weekend, while I am happy we did the shoot and I love one shot from the shoot, I think I need to focus on enjoying my kids not worry so much about capturing the moment.

I want more red flashing plastic rings in my life then perfectly positioned smiling photos.

Gratitude

All day I hugged my girls closer. I inhaled deeply as I hugged them to take their scent in. I told them I love them.

All day I thought about two little boys who weren't being hugged. Would never be hugged again by their mom. Would never hear their mothers' voice again.Their mother, a old school friend passed away yesterday.

All day I cried. For her. For her children. For the fragmenting of a family. For a life imagined and not fulfilled. Dreams left behind. Things not said. Childhoods not witnessed.  I let the tears flow. I couldnt stop. I think this was the first death I have felt so deeply since becoming a mother. I dont know why. maybe because I thought of my girls, thought of what it would be like for them and my heart weeped. I thought of that moment when those boys will forget her scent, her touch and I sobbed. 

At bedtime today, as I walked between my girls rooms. I thought of those boys' father. Doing bedtime with his two scared little boys. What was he saying, where was mama. How did those boys cope without her tonight. The first of many many nights to come. 

All day I thought about gratitude. How very ungrateful I have been lately. How much I have to be thankful for, every minute of everyday. Its sad it takes something like this to remember that. In the hustle and bustle of being a mom I constantly forget to be grateful. Grateful that I have two healthy little girls, grateful to be their mother, grateful to have had today with my girls, grateful to be healthy, grateful for everything. and as hard as it is to admit, grateful that it wasnt me.

So very sad today. 

I made it out.

It took all day. 3 Failed attempts to leave the house. I had to download music, wipe the ipod clean, and charge it up. I had to negotiate the precarious balance to ensure both girls napped at the same time. I had to be totally ready for the second their eyes shut.

I had to close my eyes to the messy play area, the dishes in the sink, the unmade bed in my room, the clothes not put away. The paraphenlia of having two kids.

But more then anything else. I had to be determined.

to go for a jog.

I have lots and lots of weight to lose, from the pregnancies, the losses, the bad eating indulgences....just lots of weight. Im tired of looking bad. Im tired of feeling unfit, fat, and not comfortable in my own skin.

Ive been trying to go for this jog forever. Almost two weeks. Everyday I had an excuse, oh the music isnt downloaded. Oh I dont have

So today I laced up my sneakers, and got that ipod out and off I went. I didnt do much. Or more like I wasnt able to do much. I just was so happy to have gotten out the door.

Ive been miserable about how I look for a long time now. Infact, I cant remember the last time I was happy with how I looked. I havent bought clothes because I always think Ill buy clothes when I lose weight. Ill dress up when I lose the weight. Always the excuse is when I lose the weight.

And it hasnt happened. Not since I got pregnant with Nadine back in 2010. I have only gained weight. Its an awful feeling.

Didnt really hit me until I read an article recently about taking pics with your kids and how so many moms dont get in the picture. Because we arent dressed up, or we can remember the last time we washed our hair so its all skwey looking.  But my reason for having so few shots with my girls is. I hate how I look. I can avoid mirrors but once its in the picture. there it is. for everyone to see. my thunderthighs.... As I read the article I realized how few shots I have with my girls.

It makes me sad that I have allowed a situation which I have control over to have such a profound impact on my life. Munchkin and cupcake will only be this age once. Never again will they be 2.5 and 4 monthes old. If I dont do something about getting in those pictures with them then whats the point...

I need to lose the weight.

So I laced up my sneakers and snuck out the door as the two girls napped.

It felt glorious.

Finally a step in the right direction. Not sure if Ill be ready for those pictures anytime soon but at least Im one step closer...

Conquering the Playground

Munchkin took a huge, huge step in her little life. I was so proud. Her teachers and I actually hugged and were chatting like giddy teenagers over this small but so huge accomplishment.

Munchkin went down the slide at the playground and then raced the other kids down the slide.

It sounds like a small thing and for anyone who knows Munchkin it sounds even stranger....because my kid loves the playground. She is fearless when it comes to the slides, running up and down the bridges, climbing like a little monkey all over the play sets. She loves the slides... 

One of the things that attracted me to this school was that there was a playground for the kids to play in and that was where drop off would happen. I guess in my head I had that image of my little girl waving her hand to me distractedly to say bye because she was so excited to get into the playground and play with her friends. I thought I would stand there for a few minutes to talk to the other mothers at drop off, keeping one eye on my daughter as she ran up and down the stairs to the slide.

But thats not what happened at all. Couldnt have been further from the truth.

First, she cried for monthes at drop off. She hated it. She wouldnt let go of my hand. She was upset. clingy and miserable. At the playground where I had envisioned so many hours of happy laughter, scrapped knees, and loud shouts of glee. It was a gut wrenching experience, I questioned myself daily as a parent. I didnt know if it was the right move for our daughter. She wasnt happy and it was killing me. I felt I had done a disservice to my dauther, I pushed her too fast and too hard, she wasnt ready for school. I considered pulling her out of school but my husband held firm...

Thank god he did. Munchkin slowly came around. She started to enjoy school, was excited to show me her work at pick up, she loved her teachers and you could see she was well liked by her classmates. 

But there was still drop off. 

Munchkin had stopped crying at drop off, she would even turn and say bye bye to me, giving me a small smile. But then she would step into the playground and simply stand there. Next to her teachers. Girls and boys would run up to Munchkin, excited to see her and would even take her hand to pull her into their game. But my child resisted. She stood there quietly next to her teacher, just observing everyone play. It bothered me to watch this. morning after morning, week after week. 

I wanted so much for my daughter to run off to play with the other kids. I wanted to hear her shouts and laughter as I walked away. But nope, she just stood there. Day after Day. 

I was so frustrated. All my feelings of guilt rose up again. It was my husband again who calmed me down, he said it will happen, give her time. She will do it at her own pace, not the pace you want. It was hard for me, I told him, I cant watch her just stand there the whole time. He promised me it would happen. 

It didnt happen, 

and then it didnt happen.

Cupcake was born, and it didnt Happen,

The weather changed, and it didnt happen.

And then it did. Almost a year into going to school, just as I was beginning to give up hope and the despair had settled into acceptance. It happened. I went to pick up Munchkin and her teachers were waiting for me, so excited. Ill never forget that moment when Ms. C said to me. She did it, she went down the slide and then she started racing other kids down the slide. I held my breathe as she approached the slide. I was so excited. 

I dont think I will ever be able to describe that moment. I was so proud of my Munchkin. She did it. I bent down as she ran up to me to give her a hug. I said, Munchkin did you go on the slide today. And she said to me. I DID IT MAMA! and gave me a high five. Omg. her face, the way it lit up with a sense of accomplishment. It was the best moment I have had so far in this journey of parenting. It beat all the kisses, smiles, coos, EVERYTHING I had experienced to date. It was the best. Just the best. 

This experience taught me so much. My child is an individual, she has her own timetable, she wont dance to my timetable. She will do things when she is ready to. She is unique. I cant make it happen for her no matter how badly I want something. Whatever I want, I have to remember that she is not me. She wont have my personality. I can only provide the encouragement and guidance...but she has to do it. She has to slide down the slide by herself, when she is ready to. Patience. I need to have patience, something so incredibly difficult for me. Patience. My munchkin needs my patience. Because only patience will bring more moments of...

MAMA, I DID IT!!!

Best. Moment. Ever.